(^^^I just LOVE IT when rap songs begin with this way. I’m not even joking that shit gets me AMPED UP. I’m sure you will feel the same way reading it as a blog post title.Stick around! I will not disappoint!)
Despite spending winter break promising to everyone I know ESPECIALLY myself that I’d abstain from watching Cycle 19 of ABC’s The Bachelor, I caved almost immediately and got totally caught up last weekend. And maybe it’s just the pleasure of indulging something you swore you’d deny yourself, but I have to tell you that I don’t regret my decision AT ALL I am having the TIME of my life watching Iowan farmer Chris Soules wife these ladies up and down.
In all seriousness, this is a very strong season, in no small part due to 21 year-old single mom and dental assistant Mackenzie from Maple Valley, WA who’s really gone hard in that pool party paint calling out the insidious cult of virginity enforced by every aspect of ABC’s totally salacious series.
Notes On Your Girl, for those viewers who haven’t noticed how dope she is yet: At first glance, Mackenzie is every nervous, earnest, slightly-too-young Bachelor contestant ever to tear up over a group date rose. But after watching episode 3 I can assure you that Mackenzie is HELLA quirky and SO MUCH real talk. I went to high school with this girl a few times over and I just love her. To wit:
- Unlike every other mom who’s ever been on The Bachelor, Kenz doesn’t wanna talk about the baby ALL THAT MUCH. Like Lana Del Rey, she is more interested in aliens.
- She probably smokes weed because one of her favorite movies is “Pineapple Express” and her hair looks pretty good without being anything to write home about.
- Mackenzie’s online profile lists the things she couldn’t live without as “My family, my dog, friends, food/water.” In other words totally defiant of the whole bogus concept of a questionnaire///Girl HELL yes don’t you let them waste your time.
Most importantly, last week featured a totally gross and groundbreaking conversation between Mackenzie and the unfortunately named “Ashley I.” about the latter’s intact hymen.
“Holy [censored],” Mackenzie said. “You’re beautiful AND a virgin?! I am so jealous of you right now.”
Ashley I. kinda shrugged, the way, you know, you might or might not do. (FYI– Any person’s reason to not have had vaginal sex before is as valid as the next, but Ash doesn’t seem that attached to her hymen- I think its destruction just hasn’t happened to happen yet. Anyway–)
The other women wasted no time with their breathy contributions of nasty ass off-topic bullshit about how Chris would be “definitely a gentleman” and probably “really respect you for respecting yourself.”
Shit was really getting hairy with that noise until Mackenzie’s refocused us with more bleeped-out expletives and some clutch explanations like, “Are you kidding? He’s going to LOVE that! Guys love that guys love to TAKE your virginity!” and “GUH that is so unfair! Like obviously I have a kid so I, like, can’t use that. But I would if I could that’s SO good!”
You might wonder if I’m being ironic or making fun of Mackenzie, and I want to assure you that I’m REALLY not. If any of the beautifulsensitivebrilliantcompassionate straight men with whom I spend time articulated a legitimate interest in deflowering virgins, we all know that I would most likely
- throw up
- feel so sorry for them, and
- probz cry about how I could never be friends with them again.
Because that’s a hideous thing to want. But shout out to Mackenzie for calling a spade a spade here: Chris would never hang out with me anyway and The Bachelor is all the fuck ABOUT THAT LIFE. From Clare’s post-skinny-dip-undoing in Cycle 18 to the rose-rewarded valorization of Becca’s refusal to make out last Monday, the show sets the ladies up to feel like shit about sex they’ve had at every opportunity.
It’s refreshing to see the competition explicitly described in its own unspoken terms: the winner is always the woman who’s successfully convinced The Nation that she’d give it all up, wipe her Middle American slate clean, rise above base degradation, date a man dating 24+ other women just to be our television Cinderella bride. The victor always must have saved it for us, because she’s willing to forsake her job and friends and small-town, camera-free private life forever to enter a contractually binding relationship with a television channel for longer than her reality show engagement could possibly last. Big ups to the Big Kenz for tellin it like it is: for all intents and purposes, hell yeah, Guys Love That Shit. Plus, like. I dunno. She just cracks me up. Endearing, you know? No frills.